How Can You Become a Better Listener?

There was a reason the funeral of my late husband, David, was so well attended. It had to do with his ability to connect with other people. We all learned to rely on him for his ability to listen well and provide sage advice. People knew that it was safe to share all of their troubles with David, that he was open to listening if you needed a sounding board. This became a key part of his resilience when times got tough, because people were there to support him, just as he had supported them. The depth of the relationships he had built with friends and colleagues became a source of strength as he navigated his cancer journey.

David’s ability to be a “trusted advisor” was key to his resilience.

So how can we all be better at supporting others? How can we make it clear that we are wiling to listen and that we want to support others? David had a simple question that he asked often. It was,

“So, what else is new?”

I know… this seems like an innocuous little question, but it is powerful. David would slip it in at the beginning of a conversation, just like many of us would, and then several more times when there was a pause in the flow. I recall listening to him use this with others and thinking to myself, “You just asked that a few minutes ago.” What this did was bring the conversation right back to the other person, and away from himself or any mundane topics that had crept in. So, instead of talking more about the weather or the hockey scores, David would steer the conversation back to the other person. And, “So, what else is new” was such a non-threatening question that people could answer it in any way they liked. But eventually they would begin to tell him about their deeper concerns. In this way David learned about family troubles, financial woes, and mental health issues. People shared their deepest worries. He was then able to be that person you relied upon to hear about your issues.

Those who knew David will certainly tell you that he was a no-nonsense, practical person. He did not exude, “Come and tell me all your problems.” But this one simple question, used often and repeatedly, would draw out the worries of others. In this way he was gifted with the opportunity to help others through the beauty of a listening ear and quiet lips. After listening well, he might offer advice, or not. The gift of listening was the true gold.

It was David’s ability to support others that brought people closer to him. Many of us benefited greatly from his quiet presence. In his absence we need to continue to support each other by listening well and often and moving beyond the mundane to the issues that are really concerning. So how do you get someone with depression to talk about their despair? How do you get someone who is grieving to feel less isolated? Try, “What else is new?” and then a few minutes later, after talking more about politics and our busy schedules. ask again, “What else is new?” Eventually the other person will get the point… you really want to offer your support in things that actually matter.

So, what else IS new with you?